There have been a lot of pivotal moments in my life. None that can compare to the last year. It’s gone so fucking fast (excuse the language, but it’s the emotional pull). What have I done? I had a 2nd child, a little girl, Amara Jordyn Lakshmi Shankaran, that is unlike an other experience I could ever hope for.
I had my wonderful 1st born when I was 26. I was in a different place, and she is now 11 years old. Looking back, I feel so much empathy for who I was as a mother then. I didn’t know me, I was lost. The one thing about Ashlee is, that she adapts, and adapts fucking well. She’s always been my best friend. She’s had to realize that when mom was tired after working and commuting for 12 hours a day that our family unit of 2 functioned much better when we both were communicating and not whining or throwing tantrums. She’s been wise beyond her years and I thank her for that. Love is not a question, LOVE that girl like there is no tomorrow. Without her, I would not be where I am. Love you Ashlee ❤
Now skip 10 years to her sister, Amara. I’m now 37 and gone through so much. The point is, everyone has crap! EVERYONE! There are so many stories. The beauty of getting older is that you see what you need to do and omit from your life in order to get to the person you need to be.
My pregnancy was crap. Constantly sick, and at the end high blood pressure so induction was done. Hell ya, bring it on!*
Then this being was born….WOW. Without going into too much detail, her head was out and was swiveling, like exorcist. Thanks that I didn’t see it! She took everything in the first second she was born.That was her character to a T!*
I get to spend the first months with her, downtown Vancouver, nestled in the snow (Nov 2016). Dada took time off in January and we had Ashy with us over the winter break – bliss. Then it gets to May and we buy a house, then we get settled in and it’s summer, then we get to the end of summer, and now work…coming closer!!!!!!!!!!!!*
Sept 25 is my date to go back. I am crying constantly because I don’t want to leave her and don’t want to leave the girl I found who was off for 11 months. Then I ask, who is that? I’ve really given myself, to my daughter, put all I have in to her.. Ashy is different because I have done that, and forgot it. She is so independent now…I did the same thing 10 years ago but because I had other things happening, and maybe so young, I didn’t get the same lesson.
Point is, my heart has been with my youngest this past year and it went so fast because I was making a difference, both in my life and hers. Things change and everyone can’t be on mat leave all the time, but you can still do what your heart wants and time flies like crazy…when you do what you are called to do. Amara makes me laugh, very much like her sister, and that says a lot! When your children can give you a massive belly laugh, I think that you are golden.. I’m set! Got my 2 amazing girls and I could be more proud.
I’m feeling called back to work because I think she would do better with kids around her..she needs stimulation that I don’t know how to give! It’s indicative how this paragraph is so much shorter than the rest… *
It’s her and Ashy’s journey…they are on this earth to be together, Richard and I were just lucky enough to be called to the ride ❤
Love you all and I hope this post gives you a hug!
*scattered paragraphs throughout…like my being is now..how do I piece them together?